light at the end

it's been a while...i feel as if i am neglecting my blogging mind. it has been a time for me to shut off for a while and try and process how my life here has come to be. after being in a run for a long long long loooooooooooong time, i feel that i am finally coming out of it. i am laughing again without trying, i am sleeping well at night. i am enjoying my students every single day. i try to not yell at people who cut me off in trafic anymore. and just because my dog pees on my side of the bed doens't mean he doesn't love me.

so here is a list of the few things that i have to look forward to, or are giving me some kind of closure:

1. i have precisely nine days of school left. next thursday is our last day, and then i have to come to school on friday for the anuban 3 graduation (essentially, they hoore up the five year olds and take photos of them, and call it graduation.) i have so much to do in the next week, 256 reports (and i don't even have one done yet...) but it feels good. i feel that this year was a real challenge through school, but looking back i am so proud of everything we have accomplished (and made it through.)

2. rin and i are going on holiday. after being in phuket for way too damn long we are going to be meeting up with my friends who were here last week in bangkok, and then either going to cambodia or chiang mai with them. it will be so nice to get out of here. to get on a plane and see the island look so small. ever since december 26th i feel like this island is so heavy...so big. i need to see it from the air, where all is peaceful. it will be a short holiday, but i think it will be good for both of us.

3. i am moving out of my house. after numerous problems with our roommates, i have talked to rin and we think it is best if we get our own place. after all, when my mother sends me toothpaste from america for ME to use, i have a hard time getting over the fact that rin uses it. but when i realize i am supplying expensive toothpaste for all in my house, i seem to have a little problem. not to mention benz (the other boy) using my razor...(petty, i know). rin and i having to buy rice, water, soap, and everything else under the sun that automatically becomes sommunal. well that's not ok anymore. it may just be a cultural thing, but that doens't mean i have to accept it.

4. rin will shortly be working. HOORAY!!!!!! he has had many the job offer since he got his license, being a driver. however, since we are going away in a couple of weeks we have decided he should start when we get back. so coming soon, a fully employed household!!!!!!!!

5. it is still in the back of my mind that i am going home. i don't know when, but i am pretty sure it will be this year. rin is saving money throughout the year to come to canada in october, and there is a chance that i will not be returning to thailand with him. i need to do what is best for me, and we will have to see what happens.

6. i don't think he will bouat this year. there is a small dance going on in my head, but for cultural reasons, and knowing this makes me a bad person, i will leave this comment at that.

7. r is leaving shortly. this is something i am having a hard time dealing with. she has been such a cornerstone of my life here in phuket, and soon she will be cruising the cape in her bmw with her little granola kids. with a lifestyle like this it is so easy to get so used to someone being there with you. my life will certainly be different once she is gone.

8. i get paid today. thank buddha.

(note: photos from last week to be posted in the next 48 hours. stupid network at work doesn't let me upload photos. amaaaaaaaaazing thailand!)

holiday from my real life

it has been a full week of blog-free fun, but not without reason. for the past week i have been entertaining four ghosts from heather's past. three of my girlfriends from highschool, as well as a friend of theirs from university have been making their way around asia the past month, and are now on the thai side of their journey. they stayed with me for one night and then rin and i moved them to the glorious 'summer hotel' (note: not so glorious) in phuket town. we have rented cars, been to miserable thai discos, been to the beach, eaten all sorts of food, brought them to school, introduced them to rin's family, taught them how to cook thai meals, showed them how to wai properly, been to a temple, and really trying to get them to see how life in thailand is for a farang.

abigale, erin, angie and jess have been amazing to have here. this has been a time when i have really been in a funk, and to see how they interact with my life here, and how rin interacts with them, i have learned so much. this has been a hard time for rin and i, and he has been a god about their visit. he takes them places on his bike, we went to pick up kendra (angie's sister) at the airport, 40 km away on motorbikes, he has driven us here and there, and yesterday i had the day off and we rented a car and went to krabi, and he was so amazing. i have learned a lot about rin the past few days.

that being said, their being here has also made me really homesick. they see my life here, and they have the luxury of being able to leave. they are going to be going in a few days, and they don't have to deal with this anymore...they are whisked off to the next beautiful place. i, however, will be here. who knows for how long. but i know that i can't leave yet.

on our way back from krabi last night, in the back of a pick up truck under the stars, rushing between giant rock formations, i talked to angie about rin and i. (a friend from waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back) she gave me her insight on rin and my relationship. while it is obvious that we love each other, their are so many obstacles. so many things that work only because we are in thailand. but if he was to ever go to north america, things would be hard. and if i ever left, there would be no possibility of keeping in touch. there is something so jolting when you realize that if their was a bump in the road, your relationship would fall apart.

i have some serious thinking to do about this next little while. i love him, but it's not possible to make it work. i know i need to go home, and probably this year. this weekend will be a turning point, i think. time to take him to the sea, sit him down in the shade and figure out our future.

we shall see. many photos documenting a crazy visit to be posted shortly.

random thoughts and bits of information

#1: my bedroom is the hottest place on earth. there is no escaping the heat, and this makes sleeping, resting, putting on mascara and dancing naked in the dark nearly impossible.

#2: i went to phuja last night (www.phujanirvana.com) and i think i am in love. this place is so relaxed, so loungy, so nice to go and curl up on the nice beds with a friend, a drink and some damn good music. nice work phuket...and to keep the prices reasonable...i am highly impressed.

#3: i had my first experience at the woman doctor in a goverment hospital in thailand on monday. i am still trying to get a full night's sleep. picture every sign being in thai, being the only farang, having to change in a closet (literally) with two other women, and having to check in to the office in a small room where everyone can hear what is wrong with you. i am forever a changed woman.

#4: i found a new phone i am going to treat myself to at the end of this contract. it's red, it lights up all pretty, and it will be mine. (http://www.nokia-asia.com/nokia/0,,63143,00.html)

#5: i have decided that it is okay if i don't stay until the end of my contract next year. i am going to stay in thailand until it no longer suits me, and i feel that to be fast approaching. next destination: woodstock, vermont.

just the words a girl needs from her big brother...

hey hez,

is your next contract in phuket as well? if not then maybe a changeof scenery may be good. i remember getting really ancy at the end ofmy stay in beijing, just being so frustrated with the way that peoplethink and live over there. it is an amazing culture (obviously i amgeneralizing things quite a bit but i am sure that there are some pretty close similarities beterrn china and thailand. was confucianism ever a dominant philosophy?), but often times i foundmyself longing for familiarity and people who think and act the sameway that i did. be careful that you dont stay in thailand justbecause it is supposed to be an amazing experience. i made most of the realizations about how much i learned when i was over there when icam back to north america, and i would expect the same to happen from you. you take from the situation what you will, you have no control over that, and if you are unhappy over there and cant imagine living there for another year than leave. what could possibly be the punishment for breaking a contract. there may be a clause for personal reasons. i am sure that you wouldnt be ther first person todo it. i am sure it is pretty tough to take a step back and assess the situation when you are smack dab in the middle of it.

as far as rin goes, what are you getting out of the relationship? it sounds like he is being a real prick. and i dont necessarily mean,what is he paying for, or what does he do for you, but more in the emotional sense, does he make you feel or want to be a better person? do you think moving out together is the right thing to do? if he is being that much of a lazy ass maybe you could kick him out for awhile, which will hopefully knock some sense into him and make him realize how lucky he is to have such an amazing person as yourself?you are an incredibly generous and caring person, and i know you other than yourself, but hez, when it comes down to it, you've gottalook out for #1. who, knows, maybe i am just talking out my ass but the brotherly instincts from your first few years on the school bus when i hear that my baby sister is miserable. i wish i could tell you to cheer up and everything would be okay, but life is chaos, and all we can do is try our best to cope and manipulate the curve balls thatget thrown our way. i miss you hez!

talk/write to you soon.

love chris

(a real post to come this evening...i hope)

swimming in circles

the past 24 hours have really been possibly the most intense 24 hours i have experienced in a long time.

in this short little time i have somehow come back into the frame of mind where i feel the need to question everything that i am doing, everything that i accept as being right, and trying to get rid of things i don't think will suit me in the future.

rin came home last night, and he was not really up for talking. in fact, by 'not really,' i mean, i came home, asked him how he was, and i received a grunt. there is much more to the story, but to tell you the truth, i don't know who reads this anymore, so i won't go into the detail.

so essentially, i left. i went for a small tour of the island, and went and meditated on the beach in cape panwa at sunset. as i tried to clear my head, i found that i have lost the ability to find peace. i simply make cynical excuses for things i don't like, and take the things i like and hold on to them dearly. i have, somehow, in the course of one short year living in thailand, managed to lost sight of those things i once believed as being right and wrong.

i have devoted a great deal of my life to philosophy. something i used to live and breathe, and have really let slip since i moved to thailand. in trying to keep up with the pace here, i have forgotten about all the things i used to love to think and write about.

last night, in an effort to clear my head, these things came flooding back to me. memories of being alone in montreal wandering the streets at night, ebbing and flowing in and out of cafes...a life i truly loved. i know it is not yet time for me to go home, but i need to try and understand why i have decided that it is alright to let go of things i used to love and tried to replace them with new things here that do not stimulate me the way my life in canada did.

this is not to say thailand is not stimulating. the people are...fascinating. stimulating indeed. the culture is...intriguing. stimulating indeed. but i miss those things i used to take for granted. i miss understanding idle chatter in the streets without making an effort. i miss the random guy at my cafe in montreal who used to tell me about his affairs. i wish i could understand more, and i don't mean the language. i wish i could connect with people the way i did in the west. i wish i could understand how rin loves me, and understand how that is going to work for us. because last night i was reaching for the stars, and he kept pulling them further and further away from me.

who knows what today will bring. i know changes need to be made. i know i need to go and buy a good book. i know i need to plan a holiday. i know it is okay to feel homesick. i know it is okay to go home if i feel like i need to.

but for now, i will see what will happen. i have just negotiated a contract to stay in thailand for at least another year. this excited me. this worries me. this makes me laugh. this makes me feel so strong. it also makes me feel so naked. we shall see what the next little while has in store for this canadian girl...


if i could make it on my motorbike, i would be here today:

photo taken on tuesday...many people on the beaches. 

 

 

 

in an effort to clear my head this morning i went for a tour of the island...for the first time since i did my tour to find bodies. it is amazing the amount of cleanup that has been done. following are a few photos from the beach areas. phuket it well on its way. progress everywhere 

bad habits

over the course of my life i have developed quite a few habits that most would consider to be less than glamorous, and perhaps even a little bit irritating. but there is one habit i have picked up in perhaps the past week or so that is one of the worst yet.

i somehow, how thrown away any interest in thinking before i speak. and this, my friend, has many repercussions.

since i have lived in thailand, and the majority of the people i come into contact with on a daily basis don't understand what i am saying, i find that when i have something i want to say but i don't want someone to understand, i will say it quite quickly, in english. i used to do this with a friend of mine, yelling at her in french, which she didn't even speak a word. it got my aggression out, and made it so that we didn't have to actually deal with the problem. mature, i agree.

however, as of late, i have taken this to a whole new level. when there is something i want to say, i will say it. and not always in english...more often than not, i will yell obscenities in thai.

i was sitting at a traffic light this morning at around 7:30 am. i was waiting for my right turn signal, and i couldn't see a damn thing...heading east into the sun. i literally couldn't see anything but morning smog. as i sat there, the man behind me started to honk his horn furiously. i turned around to see what he wanted, and he was madly pointing and thrusting his hand in the direction of the light. squinting and straining, i saw that the light was still...red. i'm sorry my friend...as we all have learned through the highly educational game of 'red light green light,' red = cannot go. but then, i noticed, in the smog and sun, that there was a little tiny thai man with a whistle in a police uniform waving me into the school gates with one finger. i turned around, and yelled into the man's window something about not being able to see, and have some respect, because i teach your damn kids.

yes, tact should be used...a nice canadian smile would suffice, but these things are things of the past.

rin has been away for almost two weeks, helping his mother out at her house halfway between here and bangkok. prior to this, rin and i have spent every day together, without a break. i tell him every useless piece of information, everything that pops into my head, and really, my inner dialogue. he doesn't always understand, but sometimes it is better that way. since i have started seeing him i have rarely found the need for journal writing. he knows it all. but since rin has been away, i have not had this outlet. our phone conversations have been insane and hyper, trying to fit in useless facts we miss out everyday. (as he vents in the same fashion.) but the phone is not enough, and so now, i find myself spouting information in the most useless places. alone, in my house...to my dog, in the shower, to my roommates who speak no english, on my motorbike...to the nice man in 7-11.

there is some great benefit to not being understood all of the time, but i think it is reaching a new level. i no longer censor what i say...it all comes out.

something to work on, perhaps.

happy chinese new year! welcome the year of the rooster!

to come back to work after a week of being off sick, i simply asked...'do we have any days off soon?" and funny, if i didn't ask, i wouldn't know that tomorrow and wednesday are off. ah, the joys of thailand.

however, i should have known. chinese new year, and i teach at a chinese school! so i thought i would take this opportunity to welcome in the new year.

i myself....i'm a dog. (which i had to retype three times, as i kept typing 'god.' freudian slip indeed.)


october 28th, 1982. this is what the chinese zodiac says about me:

http://www.astralaspects.com/chinesesign_dog.htm

and this too:


Loyalty and fight against injustice are the mantra of the dog. Dogs are Loyal, faithful and honest and always stick to their firm codes of ethics.But the catch is they rarely ,if ever, trust others.They tend to have a feeling of insecurity when they are required to trust others.The Dog makes a wonderful, discreet and loyal friend and is an excellent listener.

Socially,Dog signs are not too interested to mingle with the mainstream.They don't exactly enjoy parties or get-togethers.They are always concerned on the issues that are most important to them.

Emotionally, they have trouble staying light and calm when an important issue is at stake.This Sign can also be very temperamental; mood swings characterize its emotional life and often the Dog needs a sabbatical in order to recuperate.

In relationships,Dogs often have a tough time finding the right match. They can be so anxious and overwrought in the romance dance that they'll stress their partner to the maximum. !

It would be better if the Dogs work on controlling their irrational worries and would also be well-served to relax their mile-high standards, which can sometimes wind up alienating the ones they love.


so happy new year, and if you work in thailand, don't go to work tomorrow...no one will tell you, but it is probably closed.

sunburnt thoughts

as i sit here burnt like a newbie i think back to the peaceful day i had with r. bagels, attempting to swim in the sea for the first time in well...since before christmas, and the jellyfish telling us it wasn't quite time...and then handstands in the swimming pool at friendship beach. as we played in the water like 12-year-olds, we tried to remember the words to a song every girl knew once upon a time... (and i will now be singing for a few weeks, at least...)

Look at this stuff, isn't it neat?

Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?

Wouldn't you think I'm the girl

The girl who has everything?

Look at this trove, treasures untold

How many wonders can one cavern hold?

Looking around here, you'd think

Sure, she's got everything

I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty

I've got who's-its and what's-its galore

You want thing-a-mabobs?

I've got twentyBut who cares? No big deal.

I want more

I wanna be where the people are

I wanna see, wanna see 'em dancin'

walkin' around on those

Whaddya call 'em? Oh, feet

Flippin' your fins, you don't get too far

Legs are required for jumpin', dancin'

Strollin' along down the

What's that word again? Street

Up where they walk

Up where they run

Up where they stay all day in the sun

Wanderin' free, wish I could be

Part of that world

What would I give if I could live

Outta these waters?

What would I pay to spend a day

Warm on the sand?

Betcha on land they understand

Bet they don't reprimand their daughters

Bright young women, sick of swimmin'

Ready to stand

And ready to know what the people know

Ask 'em my questions and get some answers

What's a fire, and why does it

What's the word? Burn

When's it my turn?

Wouldn't I love?

Love to explore that shore up above

Out of the sea, wish I could be

Part of that world

Take the quiz: http://www.zenhex.com/quiz.php?id=262">" Which Disney Character Are You?"

Tinkerbell
You are Tinkerbell. You love magic and you care for others dearly.

a little over a month later, and phuket seems to only have reminants of the disaster. people are getting their lives back, and people are trying to move forward.

schools are being rebuilt in the badly hit areas, and people are helping to make thailand beautiful again.

one tasteless effort:
local shops have started selling a "tsunami" t-shirt, with a big cartoon looking wave ugly and angry wrapping itself around a longtail boat on its side. under the wave is written: "tsunami, 2004." charming. all can be yours for 180baht.

i found myself back in the very place i was looking at dead bodies only a month ago last night. i somehow caught this nasty something, and found myself in the hospital last night. that place will never be anything else for me. all i can remember is rounding that corner, looking to find the icu, and finding body after body after body. sometimes i manage to forget about it for a day or two, but something will always bring me back.

rin is away this week, and i can't think of anything else that can go wrong. in this maddness where i have been off work for four days, sick as hell, and without him, (first time not seeing him for a day in three months) and the water in my house went out. i don't know why, but we have no water.

amaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing thailand.

so last night, in my post-hospital trauma state, i found myself in the comfort of one of the seedier hotels in phuket town complete with running water and a stinky air-con unit, curled in the sheets with 'that 70s show' (from 1999) in the background, crying on the phone to rin. picture of beauty, indeed.

today i will make the effort to find another hotel, this time one i can sleep in. one i can relax in. one i can cry myself to sleep in peace in...

until things get better (by things, i mean by body...)

*smiles*
hib