insight from miss odd

	Friend Bear You are everyone's ideal friend because you are sincere and genuinely kind. Sometimes you worry about your friends' problems so much, you forget about your own responsibilities, which can get you into trouble. For you, it's the little things that really count. You also happen to be the main driver of the Cloud Car. No speeding!
Take the Which Care Bear Are You? Quiz!

nothing says fun like an accident and a bouat

well. sunday afternoons are really starting to perk up around this place. jesus howard christ. five six sundays ago a tsunami hit the island. yesterday, one hit me, alone.

or rather...i got into an accident. another damn accident. after having a rather rough day with things being shaky with rin and i, i was on my way to the top of the hill in town to have a drink, cry out our sorrows and talk with my friend about why relationships are so hard. while i was on my way, i was going about 50k/hr on a main road, and there was a car stopped in the middle of the road (a normal thing here, he probably wanted a break or felt like looking into a shop without getting out, so he stopped in the middle of the road...) while he was stopped, a motorbike with a man, a woman and a little itty baby pulled out infront of the car to turn right (remember, driving in thailand = not same side of the road as north america), didn't look at all, and in about five meters i had to go from 50k to 0, and i screeched, fishtailed, and smacked into their bike about two inches from the itty baby's leg. i was shocked out of my mind, and when the man was okay, he proceeded to laugh, and then say "oh, farang...bai. bai" (foreigner...let's go, let's go.) and without seeing if i was ok, my motorbike on its side, me alone in the street, they left. amazing thailand indeed.

i called rin and he came to look after things, and asked two thai men if i hit the other motorbike (as my bike was fine). they said no. however, it is hard to see an accident when you are working inside a shop. so after making a liar of me infront of my own boyfriend, i got on my bike, tears in my eyes, scrapes and bruises on my legs, heart deflated and sat on the hill for a good four hours.

amazing thailand.

when i got home rin apologized for being insensitive, and he believed me, he just needed to hear it from more than one person. this little conversation led into a big conversation that has been about a week in waiting. we have been getting further and further apart the past few days. i knew it was part of my intentional "pushing away" but he said he felt like he couldn't talk to me. sometimes he amazes me. he said to me, "just because we aren't together next to one another all the time doesn't mean our hearts can't be." this from a boy i thought was pretty reserved in his feelings. "you know i love you. your heart is with mine all the time."

this, then, led into the fact that i have to become alright with the fact that he and i can't be together all the time, as in july he has to bouat. bouat is a buddhist custom that usually takes place when the boy turns 20 years old. on his 20th birthday, the boy shaves his head (hair, eyebrows, facial hair), gives up everyday life, anything indulgent, and becomes a monk for at least three months. joy of joys. three months without any contact, any word from him.

i know this can be an amazing thing, and can really strengthen out relationship, but right now, when my family is so far away and making little effort to contact me, i just want to keep him as close as possible.

i suppose we will cross that bridge when we come to it. i will miss him. i know that for sure. i understand the necessity to bouat, but that doesn't mean i have to like it. *insert pout here*

second thoughts

as an addition to my most recent post, this is also quite suited to my current situation. a song that has always meant so much to me...

all the things you said to me today
changed my perspective in every way
these things count to mean
so much to me

into my faith you and your baby
it's out there
if you want me
i'll be there
it's out there

i'll be dreaming my dreams with you
and there's no other place that I'd lay down
i'll be dreaming my dreams with you
my face

it's out there
if you want me, I'll be there
i'll be dreaming my dreams with you
and there's no other place
that I'd lay down my face
i'll be dreaming my dreams with you

disappointment

in a deep sleep i was woken up at 330am to a expressionless rin walking through our room, falling on to the bed, and proceeding to ignore my questions of how his night was. as he was not yet asleep, he heard what i was saying. after a night of talking with r about how things have been hard since he lost his job, i was really looking forward to going home and having him be there. but for three hours, i lay in bed half sleeping, half angry. the icing on the cake: ignore me when i talk to you.

when two people love each other, the other stuff should come more easily. but it is when respect is taken away that love becomes insufficient.

on my way to work today i was two inches from getting run over by a massive truck speeding down the road at 100km per hour. he was looking the other way.

amazing thailand, indeed.

"disappointment.

oh, you shouldn't have done,

you couldn't have done,

you wouldn't have done the things you did

then.

and we could've been happy.

what a piteous thing,

a hideous thing was tainted by the rest,

but it won't get any harder,

and I hope you'll find your way again.

and it won't get any higher,

and it all boils down to what you did,

then..."

-the cranberries

passing thought

came across this link, yet another reason why canada rocks.

http://worldonfire.ca

(more to be posted later on the "one month later" front.)

up against the wall

perspective.

that is what we all need.

there are times when i think my problems are so big and i just need to go sit on a mountain and stare into empty space to realize that really they are nothing. but this past month has been the opposite of that.

as i come to terms with everything that has happened since december 26th, i have had anorexia of the brain. trying to convince myself that things like this are normal, and that i am just making a big deal about it.

but really, time needs to be taken, and we all need to make time for ourselves right now to realize that this isn't something that we are supposed to be able to handle naturally.

rin and i have had heated discussions involving that way in which we are handling the events. while i like to go for walks alone and be at peace with my thoughts overlooking the bipolar sea, he would like to be in the heat of it, watching every news story and seeing everything he can to try and understand.

this all came to a pinnacle last week when he came home with a goft for me, well, for us. he thought it would be good for us to watch a vcd of the tsunami. one of holidaymakers who caught the whole thing on tape, and people are not buying them. for only 75 baht, you too can watch hundreds of people die.

i tried to explain to him that i have seen these people, three days later, dead, covered in sheets, with people crying over their vanishing souls. i don't need to see how they died. i have a pretty good idea.

but he insisted that it would make me understand better, and so in passing, he put it on, and i was walking between our bedroom and the kitchen and found myself trying not to look at the screen, but finding it impossible not to.

i still don't agree with what he did, or think that it helps anyone to see people die. but that is how i was raised, that is the culture i come from. for him, seeing these things helps him understand and get his own perspective. so be it.

i do have to admit, after watching the footage, i do understand a little better how so many people drowned. i know how people were swept into the sea and will probably never surface again. i understand why people are afraid to swim. i understand why so many people feel so angry.

life in phuket is getting back to normal. there is still much work to be done, but many people have reached out and are making this place better.

for now, all phuket needs to get back to normal is for people to come and have a holiday here. i was talkin with a friend about what can be done for phuket on an international level, and he mentioned free flights. after thaxin refused international relief funds, what can be done with the money? really, if every country was to send over two flights a week for four months, fill it with people, and don't charge them anything. once people get here they will see that the island is fine. parts of the island are untouched. without tourism this island is going to sink into a financial disaster. already many people have lost their jobs...including my boyfriend. (big issue...mentioned inappropriately, i know. he was laid off last thursday...not enough tourists going to seua saming to make it worth their while to keep him. joy of joys.) we need people to come here and support the local businesses. taking a ride in a taxi from the airport to the beach will feed a family for a week. without this tourism, the island is going to sink.

that being said, i have to go teach.

while i think of it, a blogger friend of mine from canada has make the trek to thailand to help out. check out his blog for a firsthand look at what it takes to rebuild a village: www.picturemerolling.blogspot.com

'you have a short fuse' i try to explain in thai
it seems that all the men who have ever meant anything to me have violent tempers
is this a test to keep me calm?

'but i love you. and you love me. shouldn't that be enough?'
of course it should. in a world filled with nothing but simplicity

sometimes the world gets in the way.

tears, smoke and sadness.
we fall asleep mid-conversation

i know you will be okay.
i know i will be okay.

but will we be okay together?

sleeping twisted in your arms, something tells me we will be okay.

as i kiss your forehead before leaving for work i see your eyes crack open.
i saw that smile mister, just don't let it happen again.

canada is my happy place

i have never felt such a longing for canada.

i met the prime minister today, who put tears in my eyes. he met with the volunteers to thank us for what we have done, and he spoke so beautifully. tears of relief, tears of shock. tears of sorrow. tears because i don't know what the hell else to do right now.

i am so proud to come from such a beautiful place filled with people who are so real. it will be my honor to someday return to canada.

i had so much more to say, but i think i need more time to process it. i believe today is the first day that i have really began to process what has happened. and so, i will go and sleep, and take it slowly.

thank to friends and family for your wicked support.

bisous

inner peace

perhaps it is a lack of sleep. perhaps it is thinking too much. perhaps it is the weather, lack of rain. perhaps it is my dear friend who is back in town. perhaps it is the two men running a boy scouts camp outside singing a beautiful song in thai, while the students cry and realize it is ok. but right now, i feel inner peace. after all that has happened the past three weeks, and all that we have been through, and the buckets i have filled with tears, i now know i will be ok, and life does go on. i am still not quite where i was before, and i dont think i ever really will be. but for now, i feel that i can close my eyes, let my head lay down, and feel as if i can breathe a little easier.

things that have happened this week:

-i have been asked to meet the prime minister on sunday for coffee. not something that happens to me every day. i shall indeed be attending.

-r came back...mazal tav. my life feels worlds better now

-ran into joe last night. told him what he did to me. he lied through his teeth once again, asked if i would ever be with him again. i said 'not an ice cubes chance in thailand.' damage done to one's heart can never be undone.

-i was offered an offer i cannot refuse for work next year...teaching my favorite kids, more money, less work, more freedom, bonus, more respect, and my boss telling me he would do anything to keep me.

-friend had a beautiful baby boy...so so so beautiful

-realized that no matter what is happening with smiles and i, no matter where we are, i know how much he cares about me, and how much i care about him. i think living together is the best thing we could have done. he shows me more and more every day what a beautiful person he is.

-became aware of the fact that if i am sick of rice, that is ok. there is only so much rice that can be had.

and now i shall go have lunch with the other teachers, and teach my two final classes of the week, go home and sleep. it has been a surreal week. cathartic, difficult, loving, comforting, sensual, nostalgic, and everything in between. i know things are getting better.

updates

thought i would write a quick post, as hotmail seems to be a little bit out of order. about every other email i send out is returned to me, and these are addresses i use all the time, (such as my mum...). so if you are waiting for an email from me, then i am sorry, i probably tried to send one already.

things are going well here. still hectic, but going well. i spent the weekend trying to find some peace and quiet for myself, but ended up running around in the heat doing things to follow up the efforts last week. i met the ambassador of canada to thailand...quite an interesting guy; and had a few interviews with ctv. i believe you can find these links on the ctv website.

i found the one i did last night in patong, and well...it was a disaster. essentially they wanted me to talk about my experience with the tsunami, which i did. but at the end of the interview, as i was listening hard to my earpiece and trying not to squint in the light, i noticed the camera starting to tip over. the cameraman was a young thai guy, about my age. i thought he was messing around, so my speech slowed a little. i continued on, but then he collapsed on the floor at my feet. meanwhile, there is still a woman interviewing me in my ear. all i wanted to do was help the poor guy, but i was wired up and chained to some box with cords and such. what a disaster.

and if that wasn't enough, they asked me to redo a few parts of the interview when the camera fell over. i did, but when i saw the bit online, they edited the visual, but kept the same audio of when the guy fainted. therefore making me sound like a complete moron. anyway. small details. but embarassing nonetheless. (the camera guy is fine, just tired and hot.)

other than that, things here are alright. it is a bizarre situation here now, as things are beginning to be cleaned up, but there is still so much to be done. and the problem with the donations is that people are taking their time to look through organizations, and then these organizations need to go through the paperwork and eventually send part of the money to the places that need it. but the thing is, they need it now. now. there is a woman in nai harn beach who had a resort of bamboo huts that was wiped out. this was not only her workplace, but her home. she has no source of income, her family (of 14) is living in a tin shed in the sun. they need money, and they need it now. two thousand dollars could rebuild that resort and get them all on their feet again. it is so hard to sit and watch.

as far as i know there are only two remaining canadians in phuket in the hospitals, so my work with the embassy is more or less done. the prime minister is coming this weekend, and there was talk of me meeting him. should be interesting.

and that's about it. school is good, but i am so tired. since this whole fiasco began i have only slept about three hours a night, and had three massive headaches. i know i am the lucky one in this situation to be alive, but i think people are neglecting that an event of this magnitude will have an impact on those who escaped unscratched. i would just like to sleep and get away from it all for awhile.

until next time...

ps...CONGRATS LANA!!!!!!!!!!!! in the midst of this madness, my friend lana here in phuket took time out to give birth to a little boy named Justin. congrats!

inspiration when it is needed...

"we are conditioned to think that it is

necesary to communicate with many words to convey

a message; however, the more words used to relate

the unmanifested, the further we get from

the Real Truth (...)

as we expand our awareness and enter into a high

consciousness there is more meaning conveyed than

with just the spoken word.

part of the communication is

in the silence. (...)

as awareness becomes refined, the words carry less

and less meaning. communication primarily exists

in the unmanifested realm"

-louis gittner

tsunami aftermath links

the following are useful links, etc. related to tsunami aftermath aid and efforts:
(thanks to Lana for finding the links...reposting here)

Tsunami Help Blog http://www.tsunamihelp.blogspot.com

Red Cross http://www.ifrrc.org


and local news:

Phuket Gazette http://www.phuketgazette.net

Phuket.com http://www.phuket.com

Beach Photo Gallery http://www.phuket-photos.com/frameme.php?page=phuket-tidal-wave.htm?ref=20051322222



There are also a couple of websites I have been using to help find the injured or deceased.
www.narenthorn.or.th and www.disaster.go.th. They are mainly in Thai, but has links to all significant hospitals in the area and are quite easy to navigate.


For more information about how you can help, please check out your local relief efforts. www.care.org, unicef, and many others have programs set up to help.

letter home #6: the ongoing saga

hello to all

once again, thank you so much for your emails. i have been getting status reports in my inbox that my emails aren't always going out, hotmail is quite obviously swamped. i have waited in line for one hour at this cafe, as it is the only one i know of on the island that has hotmail up and working. i dont know why...but for some reason, it isn't working. so i am sorry if some of you have missed some of the emails. you can always email my mum, choccow@aol.com, as she has the best record of my whereabouts, etc.

at any rate, another day in paradise.

not quite funny. but we all have our survival skills.

things here are alright. i sit here in great part because i dont want to sleep. i am going to school tomorrow and will be teaching what should be a normal school day. last week school was closed one day, and the rest of the time i was volunteering and not many students were present, and so i didn't get a chance to see "who was around." but tomorrow i will. nine days after the disaster and things here are starting, ever so slowly, to feel ok. i feel that i can take about three minutes during each day to take a shower and think about nothing before i am jolted back into it. life is hard in the community here.

on a personal note, to add to this drama, i moved on friday. and to anyone who has ever moved (i am a pro) this was hard. it was the last thing i wanted to do...take time to sort out a new house. and to add to it, i have moved in with my boyfriend, which has drama of its own. things are going well, and it is nice to be able to be together and know we are safe. but on the other hand, we see this situation very differently. from his standpoint, this does not affect him. it affects people around him, but people die all the time. the thai outlook is quite different. he does not get down about it, and doesn't understand why i do. i am alive, and so is he. we should be able to move on. but for me, there is a farang community here (farang = 'foreigner' in thai) and there is a duty for me to look after those so far from home. everywhere i go i see farangs with sadness in their eyes. the farangs who have sorted their business out here have gone home, a week ago. the only ones left are a)those who live here, and i probably know them. or b)those who are scouring the hospitals day in and day out hoping to find their spouse/child/friend/loved one. this is hard to handle. right beside me there is a russian woman who is looking for her husband. deja vu, didn't i write the same thing yesterday? these things are all too common.

150,000.

150,000.

i don't even understand it. 150,000 dead. i get ill at the thought of one death. how are we supposed to manage this many? this is a true trial of the human spirit.

at any rate, we will move on. we have to. that's what humans do. we play with the hand we are dealt, and we move on. we have to.

with that i think i shall take a ride to the top of the mountain on the island for a little peace. it is a nice retreat these days. everything looks so peaceful from up there.

we shall see what tomorrow brings.

please check out my blog, as i will be adding donation links in a few minutes.
www.isobella.blogspot.com

also, those in ontario, i have an interview shceduled for tomorrow night (tuesday night) with ctv in patong re working with the embassy. should be interesting.

also, mum, i have been sending emails to gareth and muff but they aren't going through. can you email them and tell them everything is fine, and i dont have any new photos? the story is a go, brought tears to my eyes, especially the ending. please be on the look out for this.

much love,

bisous

love heather

the woods are lovely dark and deep
but i have promises to keep
and miles to go before i sleep
and miles to go before i sleep...

letter home #5: to all, including my worried mother

i have about three minutes left here before they kick me out so this has to be short.

i haven't checked my email in a few days, so i am sorry for not responding personally. thank you all for your emails, i really appreciate it.

things here are pretty awful. nothing improving, the numbers just increasing.

i appreciate the emails and i have heard from a few of you that you would like to come and help. that would be amazing. as of yet i havent heard of companies sponsoring individuals to come over here, but really, all you have to do is ask. there are lots of people out there with lots of money. money that would make a difference, money that could get you here to help out (such as you, chris...i think it is an amazing idea.)

see who you can ask, and i will do what i can.

i think it is just hard to be here now because i am so far from family. when so many people have had their families ripped apart it seems so bizarre to me that i would choose to be so far from mine. but i will stay, for now. i miss you all so much, now more than ever.

as for the question of my students, i will see on tuesday when school resumes. we will see who is there and who is not. one of the best students had his mother taken from him as well as his home. i want to protect him from the world. why do these things happen?

my blog should be updated tomorrow with a little more information such as where money can be sent, etc. check out my blog, www.isobella.blogspot.com and click on the link "sharp mama." she is a canadian in phuket, 9 months pregnant and has a great deal of information on relief efforts.
oye. as i sit here there is a scandanavian man next to me looking through photos of the dead for his wife. what a bizarre time this is.

bisous and peace

love heather

the woods are lovely dark and deep
but i have promises to keep
and miles to go before i sleep
and miles to go before i sleep...

to my baby brother, who is no longer a baby, happy birthday.

i am sorry i couldn't get in touch with you, we will catch up soon.

and a happy new year to all.

more news to come tomorrow