bad habits

over the course of my life i have developed quite a few habits that most would consider to be less than glamorous, and perhaps even a little bit irritating. but there is one habit i have picked up in perhaps the past week or so that is one of the worst yet.

i somehow, how thrown away any interest in thinking before i speak. and this, my friend, has many repercussions.

since i have lived in thailand, and the majority of the people i come into contact with on a daily basis don't understand what i am saying, i find that when i have something i want to say but i don't want someone to understand, i will say it quite quickly, in english. i used to do this with a friend of mine, yelling at her in french, which she didn't even speak a word. it got my aggression out, and made it so that we didn't have to actually deal with the problem. mature, i agree.

however, as of late, i have taken this to a whole new level. when there is something i want to say, i will say it. and not always in english...more often than not, i will yell obscenities in thai.

i was sitting at a traffic light this morning at around 7:30 am. i was waiting for my right turn signal, and i couldn't see a damn thing...heading east into the sun. i literally couldn't see anything but morning smog. as i sat there, the man behind me started to honk his horn furiously. i turned around to see what he wanted, and he was madly pointing and thrusting his hand in the direction of the light. squinting and straining, i saw that the light was still...red. i'm sorry my friend...as we all have learned through the highly educational game of 'red light green light,' red = cannot go. but then, i noticed, in the smog and sun, that there was a little tiny thai man with a whistle in a police uniform waving me into the school gates with one finger. i turned around, and yelled into the man's window something about not being able to see, and have some respect, because i teach your damn kids.

yes, tact should be used...a nice canadian smile would suffice, but these things are things of the past.

rin has been away for almost two weeks, helping his mother out at her house halfway between here and bangkok. prior to this, rin and i have spent every day together, without a break. i tell him every useless piece of information, everything that pops into my head, and really, my inner dialogue. he doesn't always understand, but sometimes it is better that way. since i have started seeing him i have rarely found the need for journal writing. he knows it all. but since rin has been away, i have not had this outlet. our phone conversations have been insane and hyper, trying to fit in useless facts we miss out everyday. (as he vents in the same fashion.) but the phone is not enough, and so now, i find myself spouting information in the most useless places. alone, in my house...to my dog, in the shower, to my roommates who speak no english, on my motorbike...to the nice man in 7-11.

there is some great benefit to not being understood all of the time, but i think it is reaching a new level. i no longer censor what i say...it all comes out.

something to work on, perhaps.