swimming in circles
the past 24 hours have really been possibly the most intense 24 hours i have experienced in a long time.
in this short little time i have somehow come back into the frame of mind where i feel the need to question everything that i am doing, everything that i accept as being right, and trying to get rid of things i don't think will suit me in the future.
rin came home last night, and he was not really up for talking. in fact, by 'not really,' i mean, i came home, asked him how he was, and i received a grunt. there is much more to the story, but to tell you the truth, i don't know who reads this anymore, so i won't go into the detail.
so essentially, i left. i went for a small tour of the island, and went and meditated on the beach in cape panwa at sunset. as i tried to clear my head, i found that i have lost the ability to find peace. i simply make cynical excuses for things i don't like, and take the things i like and hold on to them dearly. i have, somehow, in the course of one short year living in thailand, managed to lost sight of those things i once believed as being right and wrong.
i have devoted a great deal of my life to philosophy. something i used to live and breathe, and have really let slip since i moved to thailand. in trying to keep up with the pace here, i have forgotten about all the things i used to love to think and write about.
last night, in an effort to clear my head, these things came flooding back to me. memories of being alone in montreal wandering the streets at night, ebbing and flowing in and out of cafes...a life i truly loved. i know it is not yet time for me to go home, but i need to try and understand why i have decided that it is alright to let go of things i used to love and tried to replace them with new things here that do not stimulate me the way my life in canada did.
this is not to say thailand is not stimulating. the people are...fascinating. stimulating indeed. the culture is...intriguing. stimulating indeed. but i miss those things i used to take for granted. i miss understanding idle chatter in the streets without making an effort. i miss the random guy at my cafe in montreal who used to tell me about his affairs. i wish i could understand more, and i don't mean the language. i wish i could connect with people the way i did in the west. i wish i could understand how rin loves me, and understand how that is going to work for us. because last night i was reaching for the stars, and he kept pulling them further and further away from me.
who knows what today will bring. i know changes need to be made. i know i need to go and buy a good book. i know i need to plan a holiday. i know it is okay to feel homesick. i know it is okay to go home if i feel like i need to.
but for now, i will see what will happen. i have just negotiated a contract to stay in thailand for at least another year. this excited me. this worries me. this makes me laugh. this makes me feel so strong. it also makes me feel so naked. we shall see what the next little while has in store for this canadian girl...
if i could make it on my motorbike, i would be here today:
in this short little time i have somehow come back into the frame of mind where i feel the need to question everything that i am doing, everything that i accept as being right, and trying to get rid of things i don't think will suit me in the future.
rin came home last night, and he was not really up for talking. in fact, by 'not really,' i mean, i came home, asked him how he was, and i received a grunt. there is much more to the story, but to tell you the truth, i don't know who reads this anymore, so i won't go into the detail.
so essentially, i left. i went for a small tour of the island, and went and meditated on the beach in cape panwa at sunset. as i tried to clear my head, i found that i have lost the ability to find peace. i simply make cynical excuses for things i don't like, and take the things i like and hold on to them dearly. i have, somehow, in the course of one short year living in thailand, managed to lost sight of those things i once believed as being right and wrong.
i have devoted a great deal of my life to philosophy. something i used to live and breathe, and have really let slip since i moved to thailand. in trying to keep up with the pace here, i have forgotten about all the things i used to love to think and write about.
last night, in an effort to clear my head, these things came flooding back to me. memories of being alone in montreal wandering the streets at night, ebbing and flowing in and out of cafes...a life i truly loved. i know it is not yet time for me to go home, but i need to try and understand why i have decided that it is alright to let go of things i used to love and tried to replace them with new things here that do not stimulate me the way my life in canada did.
this is not to say thailand is not stimulating. the people are...fascinating. stimulating indeed. the culture is...intriguing. stimulating indeed. but i miss those things i used to take for granted. i miss understanding idle chatter in the streets without making an effort. i miss the random guy at my cafe in montreal who used to tell me about his affairs. i wish i could understand more, and i don't mean the language. i wish i could connect with people the way i did in the west. i wish i could understand how rin loves me, and understand how that is going to work for us. because last night i was reaching for the stars, and he kept pulling them further and further away from me.
who knows what today will bring. i know changes need to be made. i know i need to go and buy a good book. i know i need to plan a holiday. i know it is okay to feel homesick. i know it is okay to go home if i feel like i need to.
but for now, i will see what will happen. i have just negotiated a contract to stay in thailand for at least another year. this excited me. this worries me. this makes me laugh. this makes me feel so strong. it also makes me feel so naked. we shall see what the next little while has in store for this canadian girl...
if i could make it on my motorbike, i would be here today:
posted by isobella at 12:17 PM
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