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hello all

just a quick note to let you all know that i have made it back safely to 'the land of smiles.' the trip back was not nearly as bad as the trip to america...sleeping pills and having a seat next to me free the whole way really worked in my favor. i almost missed every one of my connections due to silly things like 'typhoon avoidance' and 'broken airplanes' (things both announced mid-flight) but the trip back was painless, and a rather big shock to be back here. mostly temperature wise. it is so damn hot here, and it hits you like a wall of fire in the airport in bangkok.

coming back here was an intreresting experiment, as i felt a sincere amount of 'coming home.' arriving back in my apartment, seeing the same faces, going to school, and riding my motorbike all felt quite comfortable to me. i did happen to notice on my return, that thailand has, officially the worst drivers in the world. people who have driven motorbikes their entire lives should never be given cars.

upon my return i was greeted by many friends going out every night for dinner, which has been nice, but has been catching up with me, as i haven't had a day to relax since.

we had an english camp last week, and it was so ncie to see some of my students. i have missed them so much. and the twister game i bought when i was home has been such a hit with the little critters. i am excited for new ideas to be explored during this second semester.

thursday, the 28th, was my birthday, which, to be honest, was quite the bust. i had to work which was nice, i didn't mind. and the one good thing that happened was that i decided to spend half the day getting my hair done at a posh place here by a flamingly gay man who once upon a time was in love with my boyfriend. (correction: exboyfriend.) highlights, trim, straightened....wonderful. i was ready to party. but the same could not be said for everyone around me. i went out for an anticlimactic dinner with a friend and his girlfriend and then went out to seua saming (a place i frequent often) with well...all of my friends. and tommy came, which made everything pretty miserable. so, i went home, and pretended the whole thing never happened. which, in effect, other than a phone call from my parents at 7am, is true.

on friday after school all of the teachers were treated to an overnight adventure at coral island, a small island only accessable by boat off the south tip of phuket. the resort was beautiful and it was really nice to be able to be a tourist in such an amazing place. photos of this to come soon.

last night, was offcially, my 'rebirthday.' seua saming had a halloween party, classy as hell. they hired me to do their barstaff's makeup, along with my friend. we made the cute thai men into miserable looking dead-for-three-weeks-and-no-one-knows types. the night was fantastic, lots of dancing, including a ladyboy from patong wrapped up as a mummy...the whole thing was really great.

and that's about it. tomorrow marks the beginning of semester 2, which should be good. i am halfway through my contract, but not through my stay in thailand.

anyway...be in touch. and i hope all is well with you

gros bisous

heather

the woods are lovely dark and deep
but i have promises to keep
and miles to go before i sleep
and miles to go before i sleep...

previews

thoughts to be published tonight about voyage back to thailand...the forgotten birthday, ghosts and the wicked witch and spain and all its misery.

will be online soon!

iso

so after tears and bitterness, my dad drove to montreal yesterday after a meeting in new york and picked up my brother. i was with owen (little brother...not so little.) on the couch showing him photos and teaching him how to wai when chris walked in (see above) and it took a minute to register who the hell he was. but he is here now, and it is so nice to see him. i think i will go to montreal on friday with an old friend. i can't come to this side of the world without going back to the homeland. 

scenes from vermont #2 

scenes from vermont #1 

false mirror 

the color of my aura

What Is an Aura Color?

Different from your "favorite" color, your aura is the color whose properties best define who you are. Each color has distinct characteristics and qualities--a unique "personality"--that relates uniquely to different types of people. Some believe your aura is visible, in a sense--that an aura is the entity we respond to when feeling friendliness or unfriendliness towards new acquaintances. Whether auras exist in reality or only as metaphor, personalities will clash or compliment each other, and colors relate directly to differing personalities. By studying your aura and your friendly, unfriendly, negative, and ideal mate's auras, you can better understand the relationships in your life and the underlying causes of why you are attracted or repelled by certain people.

the color of my aura: MAGENTA!

http://www.testcafe.com/color/?affil=

enneagram

What Personality Type Are You?


Enneagram, a definition: The Enneagram finds its origins in theology, with theories stretching back for centuries. Its purpose is threefold: to identify which one of the nine personality types is yours, to describe the nature of the conflicting forces of each personality, and to describe the cycle of change that is constant in human nature.

This test uses the Enneagram to help you see yourself more clearly to become a more balanced and integrated individual. Nevertheless, it is important to note that the Enneagram does not promise perfection. Its goal is not to help you live in a constant state of Zen-like enlightenment. Rather, the Enneagram helps us learn how to accept ourselves and let go of the belief that life should be an ongoing quest for perfection. Then we can learn to rise to the more worthwhile challenge of reaching our unique potential. The Enneagram helps us to make the most of ourselves by teaching us to move beyond self-centeredness in order to make room within ourselves for others.


The Enneagram categorizes personality types into 9 unique types, each with specific patterns of thought, speaking style, emotions, sensations and belief systems. They are as follows:
The Helper - The caring, nurturing type who always wants to help others, sometimes as the expense of him or herself.

*The Motivator - The success-oriented, practical type, who is constantly on the search for ways to improve careers and relationships, yet often neglects the obvious important things.

*The Artist - The sensitive, withdrawn type, who can appear initially thoughtful, but is often mistaken as apathetic or lazy.

*The Thinker - The intense, intellectual type, who often excels beyond all others, but can also recluse into anonymity.

*The Loyalist - The committed, security-oriented type, who will stand by another regardless of actions, yet can also be seen as too passive to take action for one's self.

*The Generalist - The impulsive, busy type who is always doing something - important or not.

*The Leader - The confident, dominant type who will be able to direct people into doing what he or she wants - for better or worse.

*The Peacemaker - The easygoing, modest type who always tries to find common ground between others, yet can also be taken advantage of quite easily.

*The Reformer - The rational, idealistic type who thinks before he or she acts, but can also be caught up in the ideal world, consequently failing to achieve realistic thoughts and actions.


Your Dominant Personality Type is: The Thinker


try too: http://www.testcafe.com/enn/?affil=

tickle me iq

Congratulations, Heather!Your IQ score is 127

This number is based on a scientific formula that compares how many questions you answered correctly on the Classic IQ Test relative to others. Your Intellectual Type is Insightful Linguist. This means you are highly intelligent and have the natural fluency of a writer and the visual and spatial strengths of an artist. Those skills contribute to your creative and expressive mind. And that's just some of what we know about you from your test results.



slight problem: since the past iq tests i have taken, i have dropped 15 points. i am not sure why, or if this one is inaccurate, but i have taken iq tests in offices administered by real people. hm.

and we have proof! i am getting dumber! yuk yuk! *smile*


want to try yourself?

here: http://web.tickle.com/tests/superiq/

around the world in twelve days

so it happened. of course it is impossible to go home without having some small problem.

i dont even know where it came from. perhaps my mother is in a bad mood...perhaps i am. perhaps we both are, and this, as we both know, can be a toxic combination.

i was talking to my brother on the phone tonight asking him when he could come and see me. i wont be home for christmas and i haven't seen him in almost a year. and so...he said he was busy, and that he couldn't concentrate because he was stoned. but good news, he quit smoking! i lost it. i am disappointed that he doesn't want to see me. i am sad that i can do anything for him, but when i ask for one thing, he isn't willing to make the extra step. no wonder he can't find a job. he can unzip his fly but can't be arsed to take a piss.

my parents are insisting that he comes to see me. if i go and see him, life will be normal. i can go back to canada where the people are smaller and it is okay to be quirky. quirky is all i got. i want to go there, to speak french and to see old places, and partially, to see my exboyfriend. but they don't understand...as they still believe that every relationship i have ever had involves holding hands under the swings at recess and saying 'i like you' in notes passed between the shy church girl in the row between us.

when will they understand that i am not fifteen anymore? i was bought new nailpolish today and i was opening the package on my parents' couch. my mother proceeded to say 'i hope you aren't painting those in there. you know that's not allowed.' shocking. 22, and yes, i know the rules. 'you know you aren't supposed to have incense in your room.' thanks mum. i know. i obviously would light a fire and the whole state of vermont would burn down if i was to light a twig with some scent on it. don't worry. rules are rules. 'you have phone calls to make.' thanks, i know. i haven't made them because i don't want to talk to them. they don't care that i am home, and frankly, i would rather be alone than see them.

i wonder if they have any concept of the fact that i live alone, in thailand. there is no one to know where i am all the time, and there is no one to say 'don't do this.' i live alone. i pay my own rent, i pay for my motorbike, i buy my own food, i get myself to work everyday, and for fuck's sake, i am teaching morals to 256 itty bitty children who look at me with amazement. i assure you, if you give me a longer tether, you will see many more things. i am certain that i can light incense, pretty sure i can operate a nail polish brush, and can probably work out phone calls to people i think i would need to talk to. trust me. life is a little more complicated than trivial tasks.

but then i see her, and i see my father, and i know how much they love me. but i don't think they understand that i look after myself, and that when they aren't around, i have no one to answer to. i smoke. i have sex. sometimes i smoke two cigarettes in a row. i have slept with more than one person. shocking, i know.

i am finding it hard to see why i am here right now. my parents are the ones who offered to buy me the ticket. i was happy not coming home...i had other plans. but when they said they would buy me a ticket, i came. and today my mother reminded me that this two week holiday is costing them a little over two grand. i know. money has never been an issue with them. why tell me this? to make me feel bad? i don't understand. don't give and then tell me every day after you give that you gave. this trip is costing more than bung makes in two years. i know this.

anyway. after tears on the phone with my stoned as fuck brother, i went for a walk in town, saw a cute white boy who owns the coffee shop my mum used to own, took a few photos ("twinkle twinkle") and now i am going to take a bath and go to bed.

i know i am being selfish right now. that is what is getting to me. ugh.

twinkle twinkle 

all the leaves are reeeeeeeeed.... 

sophie 

red sunrise in the green mountains 

silver lake 

foggy sunrise 

io ho voglio... 

an old photo of drunken proportions 

back in vermont. the view from HERE... 

mountains

i think there is quite possibly nothing more beautiful in the world than the mountains in vermont, at this moment.

peaceful, yet full of life. foggy and mysterious, with so many secrets...

i wish i could put this moment in a little box and carry it with me everywhere i go.

computers

does anyone else think it might be a little bit easier to simply get a fucking piece of paper and a pen? jesus howard christ. the amount of time it takes me to figure out how to make a line across a page on a computer. i swear. these machines are thwarting our intelligence.

that's all.

things that have shocked, scared, amazed, tired, or made my stomach all wonky since i have returned to the west...

-sooooooooooooooo many white people!

-how groups of people who travel in large groups seem to drop in invidivual iq about 30 points (airport observation, mostly in new york)

-skin, when not protected by a tropical climate, needs lotion. lots of it.

-in restaurants in north america, one receives enough food to feed a thai family for a week. and then, when not finished, one asks for a box for the unfinished food and proceeds to order dessert

-driving is increasingly difficult when the rules are actually enforced

-just because it is on sale doesn't mean it is cheap

-cheese does a number on your stomach when you haven't eaten it in six months

-mom's brownies are better now. absence makes the heart grow fonder

-my mind is occupied with how to put my family in a box so they can come back with me

-i have seriously been considering how long i want to stay in thailand now. being here, i miss my family so much

-problems seem so small from here. you want to move to spain with my boyfriend? why not? i have free baileys and clothes that are fuzzy and fit.

-the smell of cigarettes in the cold is enough to make me want to quit

-people here don't know how lucky they are to have all the comforts they have. to not even have to think that there might not be a toilet that works...now that's charm

-new england is possibly the mose beautiful place on earth, (well, that and phuket)

-did you know in autumn the leaves change colors? oh the things i was beginning to forget

-my mum will always smell the same. why can't they bottle that?

-my brother, six years my junior is now 6'2". compared to my 5'6", he is a monster. i enjoy hugging him

-knives are a useless piece of silverware. give me a spoon and a fork, i can do anything

-book stores make me horny

-everything works here! it's amazing! no broken anything! (except hearts and wallets...of course.)

-i think i will be ready to go back after my two week holiday here. but for now, it is making me smile so much it hurts

peaceful wat 

beautiful lady 

i caught the sukah (and freed him, of course) 

dancing naked in the shower 

crazy thai man 

cheeky girl 

peaceful sunset 

a nice take on calm. 

bung

this too... 

what i left... 

slightly senile

i do believe that airports can kill a human.

here i sit in bangkok international airport with air con so cold my nipples are now inverted. my flight is at 7am, it is now 136 am, so i sit here, in solitude, listening to a rather irritating french man speak rotten chinese quite loudly, and the 'tap tap tap' of typing on chic keyboards.

bangkok, even the airport, makes me sad. there is so much here that doesn't belong. i was just outside getting out of the damn aircon when i saw a pick up a la phuket backroads filled with fruit being dumped into this airport, though in rough shape, quite futuristic for the rustic thai.

people speaking thai, people speaking english. english people speaking thai, thai people speaking english. german people speaking german (can they do anything but?). thais chit chit chattering and farangs eating. shocking, i know.

well, 15 minutes for 75baht seems like a deal, however, being 20 baht for 60 minutes in the real world (please ignore the fact that i am calling phuket 'the real world.' it is 141am, and i am alone and cold.) i feel like i am being ripped off like, well...a farang.

that's all for now. i look forward to the cartoon like world of narita airport. japan entertains me.

bisous

heatah

it's time for a countdown

tomorrow. i feel like it can't come soon enough. i am going home. i am equally excited for the journey home as actually being there. i realize this is probably going to change halfway through the 24 hours of time in the air waiting for my ears to pop, again. but right now, i need time to think when i dont feel like there is something else i should be doing. i dont want to think about school, i dont want to think about paying bills and what i am going to do tonight. i want to think about the things that have happened these past six months, and most specifically these past six days.

bung came back. *shocking*. i know. he is back and in full force. after the death threat, trying to run me over with his motorbike and yelling at me on a daily basis....our arguments were finally compressed into a ten minute screaming match infront of the most wretched pub in phuket. screaming infront of my friends, screaming infront of people who know us. yelling. i never yell. i dont believe in it. but i yelled, and yelled well. i yelled so much it hurt, and i yelled so much i cried. he had his hands around my wrists as he was screaming in my face.

"you don't have a heart."

"anyone on this island would marry me. what is wrong with you?"

charming, i know.

you can imagine the shock that was spread across his face when i asked for my ring back. the ring my parents gave me, the ring that is tradition in my family; when i turned twenty-one, as per tradition i received a white gold ring with my initials on it. i gave it to him to wear about four months ago when we were having seafood one leisurely afternoon on the beach under an umbrella, when things were still good. i didn't think much of it, to me, we were going to be together forever. i said it wasn't his, that it was mine.

he had told me that when he was married he had a ring (rather rare in thai culture) and when he got divorced he took it off and his finger started to bleed. as we were standing there last tuesday, tears in my eyes and anger in his, he tried to take my ring off the same finger. so tight. it wouldn't come off. he looked at me, and for a brief moment, i felt sorry for him. imagine that! there is a beautiful side to him, somewhere, that i saw for a tiny moment in time. that moment has since gone. i think standing there, both a little bit buzzed and more than hurt, i saw it again. the childlike side of him. the side that let me know he was human. the side that let me know he cared about me. tears now filled his eyes. i took the ring, put it on my finger and he turned to walk away. as my tears turned to small childlike sobs, i had a feeling of relief in my chest. and then i felt two familiar hands on my shoulders. he was behind me, tears in his eyes telling me that he was sorry. the nerve. oh the nerve. i told him he wasn't. he knew he wasn't.

there is more to this story, but i haven't thought that far into it. and quite frankly, i don't know if i want to. it is something i want to work on in the mountains. being able to write about tommy without the pain that i feel now, because it is so close. and here, he is so close. this wil be continued.

as will the story of bambroon. who is moving to spain on friday. he has singlehandedly made me lose faith in thai men knowing how to love.

and on thursday i swore that i would never date another thai man. and i am sticking to it. i dont know if i am too strong, or perhaps too weak. but i know my heart can't take what b has done to me again.

************

off to relax in the sun. i can't wait to get out of here, and i can't wait to get back with a fresh head.

ho voglio di respirare senza i problemi

normal amount of homesick

i'm going home in four days. it's all i can think about.

life here is hurting my brain, and my body right now. time for a holiday. a detox.

i have my ring back...but more on that later.

nothing like "emm rooooy haaaaaaa siiiiiip" for breakfast. yarf.