it's time for a countdown

tomorrow. i feel like it can't come soon enough. i am going home. i am equally excited for the journey home as actually being there. i realize this is probably going to change halfway through the 24 hours of time in the air waiting for my ears to pop, again. but right now, i need time to think when i dont feel like there is something else i should be doing. i dont want to think about school, i dont want to think about paying bills and what i am going to do tonight. i want to think about the things that have happened these past six months, and most specifically these past six days.

bung came back. *shocking*. i know. he is back and in full force. after the death threat, trying to run me over with his motorbike and yelling at me on a daily basis....our arguments were finally compressed into a ten minute screaming match infront of the most wretched pub in phuket. screaming infront of my friends, screaming infront of people who know us. yelling. i never yell. i dont believe in it. but i yelled, and yelled well. i yelled so much it hurt, and i yelled so much i cried. he had his hands around my wrists as he was screaming in my face.

"you don't have a heart."

"anyone on this island would marry me. what is wrong with you?"

charming, i know.

you can imagine the shock that was spread across his face when i asked for my ring back. the ring my parents gave me, the ring that is tradition in my family; when i turned twenty-one, as per tradition i received a white gold ring with my initials on it. i gave it to him to wear about four months ago when we were having seafood one leisurely afternoon on the beach under an umbrella, when things were still good. i didn't think much of it, to me, we were going to be together forever. i said it wasn't his, that it was mine.

he had told me that when he was married he had a ring (rather rare in thai culture) and when he got divorced he took it off and his finger started to bleed. as we were standing there last tuesday, tears in my eyes and anger in his, he tried to take my ring off the same finger. so tight. it wouldn't come off. he looked at me, and for a brief moment, i felt sorry for him. imagine that! there is a beautiful side to him, somewhere, that i saw for a tiny moment in time. that moment has since gone. i think standing there, both a little bit buzzed and more than hurt, i saw it again. the childlike side of him. the side that let me know he was human. the side that let me know he cared about me. tears now filled his eyes. i took the ring, put it on my finger and he turned to walk away. as my tears turned to small childlike sobs, i had a feeling of relief in my chest. and then i felt two familiar hands on my shoulders. he was behind me, tears in his eyes telling me that he was sorry. the nerve. oh the nerve. i told him he wasn't. he knew he wasn't.

there is more to this story, but i haven't thought that far into it. and quite frankly, i don't know if i want to. it is something i want to work on in the mountains. being able to write about tommy without the pain that i feel now, because it is so close. and here, he is so close. this wil be continued.

as will the story of bambroon. who is moving to spain on friday. he has singlehandedly made me lose faith in thai men knowing how to love.

and on thursday i swore that i would never date another thai man. and i am sticking to it. i dont know if i am too strong, or perhaps too weak. but i know my heart can't take what b has done to me again.

************

off to relax in the sun. i can't wait to get out of here, and i can't wait to get back with a fresh head.

ho voglio di respirare senza i problemi