around the world in twelve days
so it happened. of course it is impossible to go home without having some small problem.
i dont even know where it came from. perhaps my mother is in a bad mood...perhaps i am. perhaps we both are, and this, as we both know, can be a toxic combination.
i was talking to my brother on the phone tonight asking him when he could come and see me. i wont be home for christmas and i haven't seen him in almost a year. and so...he said he was busy, and that he couldn't concentrate because he was stoned. but good news, he quit smoking! i lost it. i am disappointed that he doesn't want to see me. i am sad that i can do anything for him, but when i ask for one thing, he isn't willing to make the extra step. no wonder he can't find a job. he can unzip his fly but can't be arsed to take a piss.
my parents are insisting that he comes to see me. if i go and see him, life will be normal. i can go back to canada where the people are smaller and it is okay to be quirky. quirky is all i got. i want to go there, to speak french and to see old places, and partially, to see my exboyfriend. but they don't understand...as they still believe that every relationship i have ever had involves holding hands under the swings at recess and saying 'i like you' in notes passed between the shy church girl in the row between us.
when will they understand that i am not fifteen anymore? i was bought new nailpolish today and i was opening the package on my parents' couch. my mother proceeded to say 'i hope you aren't painting those in there. you know that's not allowed.' shocking. 22, and yes, i know the rules. 'you know you aren't supposed to have incense in your room.' thanks mum. i know. i obviously would light a fire and the whole state of vermont would burn down if i was to light a twig with some scent on it. don't worry. rules are rules. 'you have phone calls to make.' thanks, i know. i haven't made them because i don't want to talk to them. they don't care that i am home, and frankly, i would rather be alone than see them.
i wonder if they have any concept of the fact that i live alone, in thailand. there is no one to know where i am all the time, and there is no one to say 'don't do this.' i live alone. i pay my own rent, i pay for my motorbike, i buy my own food, i get myself to work everyday, and for fuck's sake, i am teaching morals to 256 itty bitty children who look at me with amazement. i assure you, if you give me a longer tether, you will see many more things. i am certain that i can light incense, pretty sure i can operate a nail polish brush, and can probably work out phone calls to people i think i would need to talk to. trust me. life is a little more complicated than trivial tasks.
but then i see her, and i see my father, and i know how much they love me. but i don't think they understand that i look after myself, and that when they aren't around, i have no one to answer to. i smoke. i have sex. sometimes i smoke two cigarettes in a row. i have slept with more than one person. shocking, i know.
i am finding it hard to see why i am here right now. my parents are the ones who offered to buy me the ticket. i was happy not coming home...i had other plans. but when they said they would buy me a ticket, i came. and today my mother reminded me that this two week holiday is costing them a little over two grand. i know. money has never been an issue with them. why tell me this? to make me feel bad? i don't understand. don't give and then tell me every day after you give that you gave. this trip is costing more than bung makes in two years. i know this.
anyway. after tears on the phone with my stoned as fuck brother, i went for a walk in town, saw a cute white boy who owns the coffee shop my mum used to own, took a few photos ("twinkle twinkle") and now i am going to take a bath and go to bed.
i know i am being selfish right now. that is what is getting to me. ugh.
i dont even know where it came from. perhaps my mother is in a bad mood...perhaps i am. perhaps we both are, and this, as we both know, can be a toxic combination.
i was talking to my brother on the phone tonight asking him when he could come and see me. i wont be home for christmas and i haven't seen him in almost a year. and so...he said he was busy, and that he couldn't concentrate because he was stoned. but good news, he quit smoking! i lost it. i am disappointed that he doesn't want to see me. i am sad that i can do anything for him, but when i ask for one thing, he isn't willing to make the extra step. no wonder he can't find a job. he can unzip his fly but can't be arsed to take a piss.
my parents are insisting that he comes to see me. if i go and see him, life will be normal. i can go back to canada where the people are smaller and it is okay to be quirky. quirky is all i got. i want to go there, to speak french and to see old places, and partially, to see my exboyfriend. but they don't understand...as they still believe that every relationship i have ever had involves holding hands under the swings at recess and saying 'i like you' in notes passed between the shy church girl in the row between us.
when will they understand that i am not fifteen anymore? i was bought new nailpolish today and i was opening the package on my parents' couch. my mother proceeded to say 'i hope you aren't painting those in there. you know that's not allowed.' shocking. 22, and yes, i know the rules. 'you know you aren't supposed to have incense in your room.' thanks mum. i know. i obviously would light a fire and the whole state of vermont would burn down if i was to light a twig with some scent on it. don't worry. rules are rules. 'you have phone calls to make.' thanks, i know. i haven't made them because i don't want to talk to them. they don't care that i am home, and frankly, i would rather be alone than see them.
i wonder if they have any concept of the fact that i live alone, in thailand. there is no one to know where i am all the time, and there is no one to say 'don't do this.' i live alone. i pay my own rent, i pay for my motorbike, i buy my own food, i get myself to work everyday, and for fuck's sake, i am teaching morals to 256 itty bitty children who look at me with amazement. i assure you, if you give me a longer tether, you will see many more things. i am certain that i can light incense, pretty sure i can operate a nail polish brush, and can probably work out phone calls to people i think i would need to talk to. trust me. life is a little more complicated than trivial tasks.
but then i see her, and i see my father, and i know how much they love me. but i don't think they understand that i look after myself, and that when they aren't around, i have no one to answer to. i smoke. i have sex. sometimes i smoke two cigarettes in a row. i have slept with more than one person. shocking, i know.
i am finding it hard to see why i am here right now. my parents are the ones who offered to buy me the ticket. i was happy not coming home...i had other plans. but when they said they would buy me a ticket, i came. and today my mother reminded me that this two week holiday is costing them a little over two grand. i know. money has never been an issue with them. why tell me this? to make me feel bad? i don't understand. don't give and then tell me every day after you give that you gave. this trip is costing more than bung makes in two years. i know this.
anyway. after tears on the phone with my stoned as fuck brother, i went for a walk in town, saw a cute white boy who owns the coffee shop my mum used to own, took a few photos ("twinkle twinkle") and now i am going to take a bath and go to bed.
i know i am being selfish right now. that is what is getting to me. ugh.
posted by isobella at 9:20 AM
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