So I guess it has been a while since I have written a post here. I find myself checking out my own blog often, to see if it has written itself, and then being disappointed when there is nothing new. I am in the market for a new blog. I am tired of this look, and I think instead of revamping it, I want something entirely new. A fresh start, if you will. Once I have found and established the new blog, I will post the link here so you can read the new one.

Things have been….well…alright. I am tired. I am having one of those days where I am thinking about my future here, and if I really want to stay. While I am sure at one point I was only staying here for Rin, I have found a peaceful place over the past year where I am here for myself in many ways. But with this responsibility comes the feeling that I am making the wrong decision on many levels. I am going to break it down, not necessarily for the reader, but more for myself, so I can see it in print.

I feel like I am choosing to not have friends.
In Thailand, there are a few different types of people.
-Most of the foreigners are men.
-The travellers are couples or individuals who stay here for a month, get drunk on cheap beer, sleep with a local and hum and haw over the cheap prices of technically overpriced goods. I am insanely envious of these people. I want to sleep in cheap hotels and be amazed at “Amazing Thailand,” but I feel like working here and fighting the heat, traffic and locals often makes me lose my rose colored glasses.
-The travelling men often want to stay here longer than their vacations, due to meeting a woman who will treat them very well, and they see a lifestyle that seems to fit them better than a 9-5 with debt in the west. I respect their decisions…I see nothing wrong in this. It’s a choice; it’s their choice.
-The women who live here are few and far between. They generally have families they have moved here with due to the husband’s work, or have moved here for 6 months, but have every intention of spending those six months as if they were travellers. No problem. Once again, I wish I knew the final date I would be in Thailand so I could have some excitement and feeling of ‘I need to do this now.”
-The men who live here are quite nice for the most part. They all, and I mean, all (except for one single person, the only one I have met in three years with a western wife…) have Thai girlfriends or wives. Their girlfriends treat them like gold for the most part. It’s a different situation and is often criticized for reasons like the woman wanting money, etc… but I find that for the greater part of them men I know and work with, their wives love them, and they love their wives. No problem there.

The problem is, I find it hard to meet girlfriends who stay here or who I have anything in common with other than the fact that we are both in the same country at the same time. I work all the time, I go home, see Rin and my roommate and my dogs, and really only want to sleep before I get up and do it again the next day. I find that I am not making an effort to meet people, and the friends I do have, I have a hard time talking to, because they are either people from work or Thai and though it’s not a language barrier, it’s a cultural barrier. They simply don’t see my problems as problems, and I don’t see their problems as problems. (For example, a girl calling my boyfriend all the time, I see as a problem. When I told a Thai girlfriend, she said it’s normal. When the same Thai friend told me about how she is so stressed about her black skin and how it’s not beautiful and she doesn’t know if she will ever find a rich husband, I can’t seem to relate.)

And so, I spend most of my time with Rin, or at work. In fact, all of it. I sincerely thought about this in the shower this morning, and the only time I am alone is when I am in the bathroom. Luckily my new house has a bathtub which I think I need to take more advantage of. But I am always around someone, which can get a little tiring.

I can’t make friends with the travellers, as they always leave…so it would be a short friendship. The women who live here are on a different level in their lives than I am right now. The foreign men to stick together. We go out now and then, with spouses, have drinks and talk about life here, etc…which is usually fun though sometimes mundane. Thai women are often hard to befriend, as it generally turns into some sort of problem. I have about 6 thai woman friends I could trust with most anything. But I could never really talk to them about personal stuff, (ie, missing home or a fight with Rin, etc.) And so this kind of puts me in a rut. Though I am always surrounded by people, I feel quite lonely most of the time.

While I love Rin, there are things I don’t want to or simply can’t talk to him about. I can write to friends back home, but it’s hard to carry on an email conversation that takes place over the span of a few days and eventually dies out, because life gets in the way. I don’t write in a journal, and I hardly blog. Even when I do blog, I am very careful, because I find I run into people I met once, and they say they ‘found my blog’ online. Of course it’s public, but it’s a bit bizarre when people you know personally are reading when you didn’t know it. So if I have a problem, or I am sad, or miss home, what do I do? Nothing. I can’t talk to anyone, I can’t let it interfere with work, I can’t let Rin know because he will think we are having problems when really it has nothing to do with him. It’s a bit of a burdensome life when you just need a friendly face to talk about a problem with, and there is no one there to listen or to drink coffee with. I find myslef holding things in and then they come out at once (like this…) when I am least expecting it. Moving on.

I don’t know if I want to stay here.

I know I want to go back to school, and in general, I am not thrilled about the idea of doing it here, though it wouldn’t be bad. I don’t know if I want to marry a Thai man, though this is nothing about Rin. I don’t know if I want my children to grow up with two countries, never really knowing where they fit, or if they fit. Or if they even want to fit. I don’t want my children growing up through the Thai education system, as I have seen it first hand. An international school would be possible, but that also puts the children in a ‘high society’ environment while will be a bit of a shocker if we ever moved to Canada and they realized the dollar didn’t go so far. I adore Rin. I have been through a lot to stay with Rin. But there are moments in which I feel like I could just leave it all, because I can’t be 100 percent sure that this is what I want, and even more often, that this is what my parents would want. After all, they gave me life, gave me a good head on my shoulders, gave me good education, and I feel like the least I can do is to make good decisions for everyone. I am just not sure that this is the right one for me…for my family (present and future families…) But then again, how do we ever know when are making the right choice?

Staying here would definitely give me and my family handicaps. Being so far from my parents and brothers; which language do we use, as I speak only Thai with Rin. Trekking back and forth to visit either my family or Rin’s family is not a cheap expense…living in Thailand would mean that I can only ever own something by paying for it outright, as financing for foreingers is nearly impossible. No credit, buying a house in cash but never owning the property (a foreigner can’t own property in Thailand…it would have to be in Rin’s name…) All things to consider. Moving on.

I guess those are the two major things. There is a lot to think about. A lot getting me down. A lot to be excited about (ie, having the month of March off.) On the upside, Rin asked me out on a date tonight for some western food in a touristy area of town. Something we don’t do often, and he would never think to ask. Should be a nice evening. I think I will try to forget it all and pretend I am a pesky tourist for a night.

Until next time, which will probably involve a new blog address, byebye.

simply simple.

I kind of have to write my school's newsletter right now, as it is already a week late, so this will have to be short, and to the point.

Bombs in Bangkok. I'm fine, not affected. Frighteningly close to where I live, and one was found in the market I was supposed to go to on that very night, but I am fine, and luckily was sick (still) and decided not to go.

New Year's was fine, boring.....but fine. Spent it in my jammies in the front yard with Rin and a couple of friends, listening to bad music, singing some karaoke and drinking ovaltine. (I somehow turned into a grandma, and never ever ever drink anymore. Boring.) Rin's mom came for a visit, which was...well...it was. It is hard to have her visit, because Rin is her little boy and I alway feel like I am stepping on her toes. But she left, and I feel sort of normal again.

Still sick, and have been since Christmas eve, which is getting really old. I wake up at least once a night not being able to breathe, choking on my own lungs. But it's getting better and I bathe in vicks before sleep and light a peppermint candle every night, which I think is helping.

Other than that, between the tsunami, coup, king celebration and the bombs on New Year's Eve, things are never dull here. Not enough to make me want to go home yet, but make me yearn for safe mountains and my mother's cooking.

Much love to all, and I mean it when I say it....peace.