justice as fairness. rawls was right.
i said before that all i believe in is karma and justice. add fairness.
karma, justice and fairness: i believe with all my heart that good things happen to good people. or perhaps i should be using the past tense. because i can no longer believe it. perfectly horrific things happen to decent people. and for no apparent reason. it is too much of a leap of faith for me to say that i believe in god, and that he or she is watching out for me. i'm not kierkegaard, and i can't close my eyes and jump, i want to know what is going to catch me. but the thing is, karma is about the energy, good or bad, being reflected in your life from your actions. stupid simple: you do good things, there will be a lack of bad things that need to happen to you. and the compliment, and the real killer: you do bad things, and very bad things should, and typically do happen to you in return. an eye for an eye, or two, for that matter. but these past two weeks have shown that this isn't possible. as i haven't done anything wrong....and he did. gaylord faulker.
justice: equality in input, equality in output. you should be punished for those things you do wrong in life, and rewarded for those you do well. justice is about reasonable, rational punishments, following logic. there is no longer logic present in my life.
fairness: slighly different from justice. while justice works on a global scale, i believe that fairness is involved in our hearts. we see fairness when loved ones are forgiven for their mistakes. while justice seems to deal with universal laws to me, fairness plays to the laws of the heart. this is what is really getting me.
i was really falling for him. aside from everything that has happened to me in the past five months since my plane landed here, i was falling for him. shit aside, swept away, ignoring the mistakes, i was falling in love. i haven't felt like that before. the most vivid memory i have of him is one night after work when he came to my place and we were sipping melted ice wrapped together on my bed, listening to the rain, and he looked into my eyes and said, "i think i came to phuket to wait for you." take my breath away. of course he did. nothing has ever felt more right in my life. nothing has ever been more comfortable. nothing has been more magnetic. nothing has ever made me feel so at home. but it is when you find that level of comfort that it is someone's duty to rip it from under you. and that he did. he did indeed.
two days after i noticed my period was late he was supposed to come to my place after work, let himself in, as i would be out with friends, and hang out until i got home...he had to work in the morning. that night, no phone call, his phone was off, my friends and i drunk on the whisky he gave me, and an empty bed. i knew something was wrong. things had happened before, but i didn't think anything of it. he lives 40 minutes away. it's a long drive. he works a lot. no problem. i have never been uptight about things like that. however...i now am.
the next day i sent him a message to the effect of 'worried about you, wondering if you are okay. call me when you have time.' mistake. i went to central with c and right before going into the cinema we were outside people watching and smoking and my phone rings.
-hello?
-who is this?
-heather. who is this?
-do you have relations with joe?
-excuse me?
-do you have relations with joe?
-is this his girlfriend?
***silence***
-i understand.
-have you slept with him?
***my turn for silence***
-has he told you he loves you?
-yes.
-do you love him?
-i dont know.
-i broke up with him this morning. he is yours now. i dont want him. i have been with him for a year. he lied to me. i am finished.
oh the joys. i couldn't cry...i couldn't speak. i muttered 'sorry' a thousand times in traditional canadian tradition. how could he? how could he lie to me? how could she not know? who was she?
over the next three days the mystery unfolded. he was sleeping with a woman from work...omanburi. the manager. he was a chef. he is 33, she, 43ish, married, with two kids. a friend of a friend of mine. and heartbroken, as was i. no interest in my feelings, no idea how i felt. i was now five days late, and quite possibly pregnant with a cheating bastard's baby. the baby would be a bastard, just like his dad.
i haven't heard from him since sunday two weeks ago. i dont know how he could lie to me.
-she is insane
-i am in trouble
-her husband knows about me, i am in trouble. he is thai
-i love you
-i want to be with you
-please stop crying
-i need time
-i want to talk to her and clear everything. then i come see you
nearly two weeks later and not a word. it's a miserable thing to go to bed at night with the slight hope that he will knock and wake me up. that he will know he has done wrong, and that he has in fact cleared everything, and we can sail off into the sunset. naked and howling. but i know, in my heart, that this wont happen.
there is no karma. he is with her now. i know it. i did nothing wrong. he did. but i am the one with the broken heart, and both her and him, cheaters, are together, making more cheaters. just what the world needs.
there is no justice. he should be punished. he should be hurt. he should be alone. he should feel how i feel.
there is no fairness. he should have a broken heart. he should be alone while both linda and i sing and rejoice that we are free from lies. but that isn't the case. she took him back. i want him back. man, he's good. his parents must be proud. i want to rip the sadness from my heart, and shove it down his throat. i want to hurt him. i want to slap him until he cries as much as i did. i want to tell him he is a horrible person until he cries as much as i cried. i want him to try and teach a class hyped up on valium and see how it is. i want him to know what it is like to have two weeks trying to sleep with one eye open, in case you miss a soft knock at the door. i want him to hurt. that is fairness. this is not fairness. i am a good person. i did nothing wrong. he told me he was single. lies. he told me he loved me. lies. he told me he was going to come and see me, and sort it out. lies lies lies.
no karma, no justice, and no fairness. what are we left with?
karma, justice and fairness: i believe with all my heart that good things happen to good people. or perhaps i should be using the past tense. because i can no longer believe it. perfectly horrific things happen to decent people. and for no apparent reason. it is too much of a leap of faith for me to say that i believe in god, and that he or she is watching out for me. i'm not kierkegaard, and i can't close my eyes and jump, i want to know what is going to catch me. but the thing is, karma is about the energy, good or bad, being reflected in your life from your actions. stupid simple: you do good things, there will be a lack of bad things that need to happen to you. and the compliment, and the real killer: you do bad things, and very bad things should, and typically do happen to you in return. an eye for an eye, or two, for that matter. but these past two weeks have shown that this isn't possible. as i haven't done anything wrong....and he did. gaylord faulker.
justice: equality in input, equality in output. you should be punished for those things you do wrong in life, and rewarded for those you do well. justice is about reasonable, rational punishments, following logic. there is no longer logic present in my life.
fairness: slighly different from justice. while justice works on a global scale, i believe that fairness is involved in our hearts. we see fairness when loved ones are forgiven for their mistakes. while justice seems to deal with universal laws to me, fairness plays to the laws of the heart. this is what is really getting me.
i was really falling for him. aside from everything that has happened to me in the past five months since my plane landed here, i was falling for him. shit aside, swept away, ignoring the mistakes, i was falling in love. i haven't felt like that before. the most vivid memory i have of him is one night after work when he came to my place and we were sipping melted ice wrapped together on my bed, listening to the rain, and he looked into my eyes and said, "i think i came to phuket to wait for you." take my breath away. of course he did. nothing has ever felt more right in my life. nothing has ever been more comfortable. nothing has been more magnetic. nothing has ever made me feel so at home. but it is when you find that level of comfort that it is someone's duty to rip it from under you. and that he did. he did indeed.
two days after i noticed my period was late he was supposed to come to my place after work, let himself in, as i would be out with friends, and hang out until i got home...he had to work in the morning. that night, no phone call, his phone was off, my friends and i drunk on the whisky he gave me, and an empty bed. i knew something was wrong. things had happened before, but i didn't think anything of it. he lives 40 minutes away. it's a long drive. he works a lot. no problem. i have never been uptight about things like that. however...i now am.
the next day i sent him a message to the effect of 'worried about you, wondering if you are okay. call me when you have time.' mistake. i went to central with c and right before going into the cinema we were outside people watching and smoking and my phone rings.
-hello?
-who is this?
-heather. who is this?
-do you have relations with joe?
-excuse me?
-do you have relations with joe?
-is this his girlfriend?
***silence***
-i understand.
-have you slept with him?
***my turn for silence***
-has he told you he loves you?
-yes.
-do you love him?
-i dont know.
-i broke up with him this morning. he is yours now. i dont want him. i have been with him for a year. he lied to me. i am finished.
oh the joys. i couldn't cry...i couldn't speak. i muttered 'sorry' a thousand times in traditional canadian tradition. how could he? how could he lie to me? how could she not know? who was she?
over the next three days the mystery unfolded. he was sleeping with a woman from work...omanburi. the manager. he was a chef. he is 33, she, 43ish, married, with two kids. a friend of a friend of mine. and heartbroken, as was i. no interest in my feelings, no idea how i felt. i was now five days late, and quite possibly pregnant with a cheating bastard's baby. the baby would be a bastard, just like his dad.
i haven't heard from him since sunday two weeks ago. i dont know how he could lie to me.
-she is insane
-i am in trouble
-her husband knows about me, i am in trouble. he is thai
-i love you
-i want to be with you
-please stop crying
-i need time
-i want to talk to her and clear everything. then i come see you
nearly two weeks later and not a word. it's a miserable thing to go to bed at night with the slight hope that he will knock and wake me up. that he will know he has done wrong, and that he has in fact cleared everything, and we can sail off into the sunset. naked and howling. but i know, in my heart, that this wont happen.
there is no karma. he is with her now. i know it. i did nothing wrong. he did. but i am the one with the broken heart, and both her and him, cheaters, are together, making more cheaters. just what the world needs.
there is no justice. he should be punished. he should be hurt. he should be alone. he should feel how i feel.
there is no fairness. he should have a broken heart. he should be alone while both linda and i sing and rejoice that we are free from lies. but that isn't the case. she took him back. i want him back. man, he's good. his parents must be proud. i want to rip the sadness from my heart, and shove it down his throat. i want to hurt him. i want to slap him until he cries as much as i did. i want to tell him he is a horrible person until he cries as much as i cried. i want him to try and teach a class hyped up on valium and see how it is. i want him to know what it is like to have two weeks trying to sleep with one eye open, in case you miss a soft knock at the door. i want him to hurt. that is fairness. this is not fairness. i am a good person. i did nothing wrong. he told me he was single. lies. he told me he loved me. lies. he told me he was going to come and see me, and sort it out. lies lies lies.
no karma, no justice, and no fairness. what are we left with?
posted by isobella at 2:48 PM
1 Comments:
we are left with truth.
we are left with our "Selves".
we are left with those around us who seek the rawness and vulnerability of love and we look to them in these situations as sisters of hope, becans of light, and human warriors. they are examples that the heart can be torn, ripped, and forever damaged but ALWAYS able to love again.
then one day you become the example.
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