kit toong meh!

i have been having an interesting day today. for the past couple of days really. fuck it. my life since i have returned to thailand in october has been a little bit fucked. i don't know what it is. but at r's house today i was just meant to be picking up shoes and it turned into some drama fest straight out of 90210 in which i was full of tears without direction.

i don't know what is happening. at times like this i feel like i need to organize my life, to make list after list to have control over things. one of my terrible downfalls. i want to make lists with things like "make a list" just so i feel like i can cross something off and am able to accomplish something.

anyone for a list? i think so:

reasons why i possibly am feeling unky:

1. i got a dog yesterday. i have never had a pet of my own. well...smiles and i got a dog together. in some bizarre turn of events we decided we wanted to do this. he is a beautiful little dog, part poodle part human i think. i have given him a french name, "sante"...health. having a dog is a bizarre feeling. it makes me feel like this is more of a home. it's not quite having a child...by any means, but it makes me feel like i am starting to sprout roots here. nomads don't have dogs. this thought is scaring me.
2. i am becoming aware of my role in life here in phuket. i am becoming more and more aware of the fact that i am never going to fit in. i am becoming conscious of the fact that i am always going to feel some sort of 'alone' while i am here, no matter how many people i surround myself with. while thinking of this today i was trying to remember a place i have lived where i didn't have this feeling...and i couldn't think of one. no matter how many friends and kindred spirits we meet we are all intrinsically alone. at first glance, this thought makes me a little bit scared. i believe that i am now starting to realize how beautiful this is. it makes me feel so empowered to think that i can be on my own. single or not, friends or 'con dio,' i am alone, and this warms my heart. knowing i can be alright through all the madness makes me feel proud.
3. at what point do we think it is okay to let go of our dreams? i have held onto such strong dreams for so long...being certain i was going to grad school a year after finishing my undergrad...and in malta without a doubt. and now i am happy staying here, doing my studies through distance work. i once dreamed of meeting some dark crazy mad philosopher and falling madly in love with him and him being so madly in love with me, and our emotions being so raw that we could never speak about it...but now i don't want that anymore. or perhaps i don't think it will happen, so it is easier to let it go.
4. i have wanted so long and have worked so hard at staying in the world of existentialism and never being without new ideas percolating through my brain. since i have been here, existential works read: zero. nine months, nothing. from a girl who used to spin through three a month, reading over and over the same words that have made me who i am. i can't help but think that i have been neglecting the person i was developing into. i am making choices in my life that seem out of character. i am neglecting friends who mean so much to me. i am doing things i swore i would never do. i am forgetting what it is like to have a really stimulating conversation. it is thailand that has done this to me? would this have happened somewhere else anyway? who knows. but i know it makes me feel...well...unky.
5. my realtionship with smiles has been taking a turn for what i would normally consider the better. we have been having some amazing times together. but over the past couple of weeks thing have been getting serious, and this is something i didn't want to happen. i think, (and this has to be blunt) he is falling in love with me. and this scares me to no end. it is so hard for me to allow myself to really care about him when i know in the back of my mind that our relationship is tragically doomed. star-crossed indeed. in a romantic sense, of course it is possible. i am falling for him as well. but in the real world, where i am from canada and my parents have possibly been to every country club in new england and his mother works on a farm in central thailand and has possibly never left her town. it sounds terribly snobby of me, but we can't deny the facts of life. as r said today: "just because something isn't pc that doesn't mean that it isn't valid." perhaps thoughts like this shouldn't be blogged. perhaps i am a little too drained to care. hell in a handbasket. can't wait.
6. after talking to r i feel like what i am feeling is justified. smiles called me in the middle of Tear Fest 2004 and simply said: "why are you crying? you are not ok." indeed. when he left this morning to take the puppy to get shots i told him to call me later because i didn't want to talk to him. when he asked what was wrong i said 'kit toong meh." and let out a big sob. which, in the most simple of simple ways is "i miss my mum." this feeling used to make me feel small. but today, i feel that it is okay to feel this way. i am living in what many people would call paradise. i have a nice life here. it is not easy, but there are many beautiful sides to what i am going through. but every once in a while, when i see a family of six on a motorbike with a dog in the basket weaving in and out of cars i am allowed to not like it here. i don't have to like everything. i don't have to be happy all the time. i am allowed to feel sad. i am allowed to miss my mother. i am allowed to want to go through a day and not have to think so hard about everything. a day in my life here is complete sensory overload. walking down the street or riding my motorbike to school is enough stimulation to inspire page upon page of thoughts. every second there is something new to experience, and something new i have to process. a new word in thai. a gecko i have never seen before. a child walking barefoot through the street. a colony of ants hauling away a dead cockroach. a man in a straw hat walking down the street in 38 degree heat pushing a cart full of 3,978 bamboo brooms. an accident here. an accident there. people staring. people talking to me at stoplights. people people people. of course it is okay to feel overwhelmed. i am allowing myself to feel this way. i am allowing myself to understand others a little bit more.

that being said and done, i don't know where to go from here. i know my life needs to be more stimulating here. i know i need more time for myself. i know i will never really understand smiles no matter how much i want to, and no matter how much we try. i know i need sleep. i know that i need to go get my hair done for my big school gala tonight so the female thai teachers have no reason to gossip. joy of joys.......yipee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

with that, i am off. changes to be made, ideas in the air...