groggy mornings

i am beginning to feel as if i am slipping out of my slump. i am not sure what has brought it on. new ideas, new faces, letting go of old ones...who knows.

i feel as though i have gone through a true blue aristotelian catharsis, and now, my soul is shiny and clean and new and going to be okay.

i had a pretty amazing night last night. it was smiles' night off...the only night of the week we can have a true leisurely dinner and chat about nothing.. we had dinner at his place and watched the rain, talking about our families. it is amazing how different out lives have been. while i was talking about my parents and their birthdays, he told me, point blank, that his father died when smiles was seven months old. shot in the head. he doesn't know who did it, and doesn't know why. random acts of violence. not enough of that in the world. when i told this story to a friend who has lived here for nine years he shrugged and said: "so?" i am beginning to learn that this is a life i am only beginning to understand, and a life which i will never fully be a part of.

i feel peaceful this morning. perhaps it is the three hours of sleep blocking out all emotions. perhaps it was the chat we had at five in the morning. perhaps it is our plans for today. perhaps it has nothing to do with him at all. but i know i am on the up-hill jaunt...and things are beginning to feel familiar again.

moi, je reviens aux moutons. tout est illumine.