parting thoughts

i had a long conversation with r last night about my pending 'change-of-sleeping-location.' in sixteen days i will be moving in with smiles and his friend +1. i am really looking forward to this, but i know the definite problems that are involved. i know it is risky. i know he and i are going to have good times and bad. i know it is a hasty decision. but really...it is something i want to do. in the west i would have waited a year or more before doing this. but here, i have pushed my limits since the day i stepped of the plane in sweltering bangkok...and i continue to do so each and every day.

the shitty part...i have been avoiding discussing this with r for about three weeks now. i know where she is coming from, and i know it is an insane move. but the thing is...i am seeing if it works. if it doesn't work...i can always move out. or he can. who knows. i will never know until i try. all i know is that right now in my present state of mind (which doesn't seem to be too fantastic as of late) he is a part of my life that makes me feel quite amazing. and i miss him throughout the day...we hardly get to see one another. this is a harsh remedy, but it is the one i have chosen. we shall see where this brings us.

i know he is not going to be able to fill some external void. i am not hoping for him to do so. i see him for what he is. i see our relationship for what it is. i am falling in love with him.

anyway. i feel like this is somehow a plea to justify my feelings, and am going to move on now.

to r, i hope you have an amazing and safe trip home...i hope being in canada brings you joy and christmas spirit, and in the heat of winter, with the palm trees swaying in the sweltering sun, i will be missing you.

i love you honey, and i know you are only looking out for me. all day playing over and over in my head: "but you are so smart!" this thought makes me smile. thank you for caring so much.