"i'm waiting for you to crack..."

weren't we all.

something hasn't been quite right for the past week. i am not sure entirely what it is, but i know a large part had to do with the fact that oliver had decided to completely ignore the fact that i sent him my heart, open and warm.

that is, until today.

i knew today was going to be the day, i could feel it. and crack? well crack i did. today is the day i am able to come in late to work, 8:30 instead of 7:30. i woke up around 7:00, had coffee on my balcony, listened to the rooster below who had been keeping me up most of the night. (if i had a hammer!) after watching a bit of oprah, who makes me feel like no matter how bad i have it, someone always has it worse. i took a leisurely shower and made my way to work with issues of the day facing me. feeling tired of working with the same people...hoping i can make my lessons for the day as awesome as they seemed on paper (fridays are special for my kids) and trying to sort out responsibilities, like schedules, and above all, financial troubles.

i got in to work, put my bag down, tossed my sunglasses on a pile of papers i need to file so they wouldn't blow away and went to load up the computer. the other teachers were in but doing their own thing. 'hello's' have become a thing of the past.

as i waited for the computer to load i crossed my legs and stared out into the courtyard through the window behind the screen. i glanced over at the computer's thermometer. thirty-six degrees already. fuck me.

after waiting for a while i logged into my email. one message. from oliver. i knew it was going to be here today. i knew it for certain. tears welled in my eyes as i waited for his words to load. i knew i wasn't going to like what i was about to read. my intuitions have been correct most of my life.

Dear Heather,

I really want to avoid hurting you in any way, but I must try to be direct.

(blah blah blah...)*

We had, for a time, a beautiful relationship together. But that relationship is now finished. I don't want to try again to be lovers.

(blah blah blah...) *

It was a very important relationship. I will never forget it and I will never forget you.


I will never forget what we had. I wish you health and happiness.

oliver.

*(blah blah blah...) does not mean "useless words i don't care about." it rather means "hurtful words i don't want to read again."

well. crack i most certainly did. looking out into the courtyard, tears streamed down my face, quickly being dried by the fan. my hair was tickling the inside of my ear. i would push it away but it would tickle again. it wouldn't stop. and his words were still there.

oliver

i can't say it doesn't hurt. normally i would wait and think about this and then write to you, but i feel like writing you a knee-jerk reaction
.
all i can say, in the nicest sweetest way possible, with all of my heart and all of my love, is fuck you.

you are too damn rational peter, and love is irrational. i think in your head you have this ideal of how you and i are supposed to interact, and if i move beyond that, then you push me away.

of course you are going through some shit right now. one thing i have learned is that there is never a time when people aren't "going through some shit." everyone has shit, and that is why they have friends and lovers to take away the pain of everyday life.

perhaps fuck you is too strong. maybe not.

i respect what you say. but i dont understand it.

today is loi kratong in thailand. people make a small raft out of banana leaves and put candles and incense in it and sent it into the ocean with things they need to let go of. i will be going to my friend's house on the beach tonight where i was when i first decided to write you this email. and you, oliver, will be on my kratong. i wish you didn't have to be. i wish i could build a kratong and sail it to you. but that isn't in the stars for us. so we step back, take a deep breath, shake hands, and walk away.

cracked. cracked right down the middle.

i feel better now. hours have passed and i am sitting in the same chair with even more hair tickling my ear and the back of my neck. the children are outside playing, getting ready to go home. in the background there is a boy playing the drums. "doom doom doom dooooom. doom doom doom doooooom." over and over. an irregular heartbeat, for irregular hearts.