i can feel a catharsis coming on...

last night i went to a nia class with a good friend. i wasn't going to go, as lately, i haven't been feeling up to doing much of anything. i have been trying to be strong though the pains of the last two weeks. things i may just write about sometime. that time will be the time when it is not so painful to think about things.

the class was beautiful. i can't thank her enough for bringing me. the sensuality and the tension in my heart melted away, if only for an hour. there were many movements i thought i would feel silly doing, but really, were so natural to me. the hardest part was breathing. we sat on the ground in a circle after sharing our energy with one another, and breathed. we meditated and breathed, and listened to perhaps some of the most beautiful music in the world. i think it was perhaps only beautiful because it was playing during my thoughts. as i sat there, and drifted into nothingness, i couldn't help but think about joe. and about bung. and how they have hurt me. and how i can still wake up in the morning, plaster on a smile and go and teach 243 thai children how to greet each other and tell me their favorite color. i am proud of myself, but for the wrong reason. i am proud, because i am able to hide how it hurts me. it was only a week ago and my life seems like nothing happened. it is too reminiscent of the past, and too close to my heart. i know i need to deal with it. i know i am not pregnant. now, that is my only relief. and with that relief, i tricked myself into thinking that i am fine.

no baby, happy girl.

but that is not so. there is so much to deal with. so much to think about. so much i am angry about. i believe in karma, and i believe in justice. and neither of those have been my friends. why does everything have to be so backwards here?