carpe diem. sieze the day. gather ye rosebuds while ye may...

a couple of nights ago i went out to a friend's house on the water and listened to the waves crash into the shore. as we sat and stared at the passing neighbors, geckos giggling and dancing in the light, my thoughts drifted to something that finally needs to be addressed.

after posting my letter from oliver last week it occured to me how little i have spoken of him to my friends. he was such a huge part of my life when i first arived in thailand. i remember being at the airport in bangkok upon my arrival and having little time to use the internet, and managing to send my parents a "hello, i am alive..." email, and making time to write him a flowery "you are so beautiful, i want to share everything i see with you..." email.

he helped me through the first transition. he showed me what it was like to have someone fall in love with you. he showed me what it was like to fall in love with someone so much that it makes you twist in your sheets at night and hear his voice in everyone you see. he woke me up from some kind of sensual dormancy i had been missing. he spoke to me in words i yearned for. i ached for him.

the thing is, when asked by my friend 'how can you let it go so easily?' i didn't know how to answer. i don't know how i let it go. i simply walked away, knowing i was hurting him. at a time when he was mot vulnerable, i somehoe found the space in the realm of all things "acceptable" to leave him alone. seaching at cafes for me, leaving me messages telling me i could 'at least fucking tell him,' that i was going to leave.

i am ashamed. i am sorry. i dont think i even have an idea of how sorry i am. i wish he could understand how sorry i am.

and so, here i sit, itchy fingertips, sweaty knees, a slightly sunburned scalp, and dry mouth about to log into my email to write to him.

"just do it." she said to me. just go. just go find him. and believe me, i wish i could. if i was financially able to leave right now, no luggage, pasport and a beathmint, i would go. i would find him. i would walk beside him and grab his hand from behind. i would cover his eyes and whisper in his ears. i would kneel on the ground and tell him how sorry i am.

how can i let it go that easily? how can i? well, i can't. and today is the day i do something about it. who knows what will happen.

the only thing i know for certain, is that i love him. and he is quite possibly the only person i have really truly loved in this most bizarre of ways. and so i can't walk away, and i am not going to.

"breathe in, breathe out. breathe in, breathe out.

tied to a wheel, our fingers got to feel

bleeding through a tourniquet smile

i spin on a whim, aslide to the right

i felt you like electric light

for our love

for our fear

for our rise against the years and years and years"

-bush (machinehead)

so here goes. it is time to write. it is time to open up. it is time to tell him. it is time to tell him everything. i never knew my toes twitched when i am nervous. perhaps i have never been this nervous before.

to sir, with love.